Feel
by stelena1981
Summary: It takes time to remember how to be with the person you love.


**Summary/Link: So I started writing this back in April or whenever 3.20 aired. Instead of adapting it to what actually happened in the finale, however, I chose to live in my denial bubble.**

**A/N 2: This would take place in an alternate finale world.**

**A/N 3: This is dedicated to the Stelena fans: it's been tough, it will surely get tougher but we will ALWAYS have fic (well, as long as people write it :looks around:).**

Their first touch after deciding to try again was her hand on his cheek. Stefan allowed himself a moment to lean into it. A moment he had previously fought not to have an emotional response toward.

Too much too soon and so she let him go.

So much had happened. They both changed, hardened, grew up a little. They both hurt each other. And what was once a relationship they both depended on so much to sustain them was now leveled and set on fire.

But they decided to start over.

Beginning again sucks. It's slow. Everything was slow. They knew they loved the other more than they had before. They knew they wanted to be together.

But it was slow. Tedious even. And awkward. So awkward. To know the sensitive spots but not touch them. To know what her glance to his mouth meant but not act on it. To sit in his bedroom and not let the memories of the last time they had been there together with her groaning as his face lie between her thighs and have to tightly cross her legs to quench the fire that began to burn. To accidentally walk in as she puts on her bra (the one that happened to be his favorite bra) and not follow through on his instinct made him physically ache.

But they couldn't help it. They couldn't stop looking at each other. They went to Mystic Grill for dinner one night and neither could eat because they couldn't stop staring at each other. They'd smile but never break their glance. Under the table, they allowed their feet to touch but never too long.

It was strange-weird even. And it was a little discomfiting considering their lack of control.

It simply couldn't be helped.

It was a long while after their reunion before they kissed again. That night he gave her back the locket necklace and she cried when she saw it survived and saw that he had it engraved. _Hope. Always. _

It wasn't that they didn't want to move faster. All the moments they shared together were mostly spent staring (gazing) at each other. And not just in a "you're-so-beautiful-I'm-so-happy-you're-with-me-innocent" kinda way. There were many cold showers had when they left each other.

But they also didn't want to push past the work that they were doing. Rebuilding a relationship took time and they wanted to get it right. Without um...distractions.

There was lots of talking. Lots of crying. Lots of angry words. Lots of begging for forgiveness. Lots of quiet. Lots of watching Stefan beg forgiveness of their friends. Lots of hand holding and sitting on Elena's porch swing at night trying not to look at each other.

And goodnight kisses. Usually quite chaste. Elena would move to deepen the kiss and Stefan would pull back. "Not...not yet," he would breathe leaning his forehead against hers.

"Is-is it? Are you still thinking about...what I...when I...when I kissed-"

"No, no, no...I just...I want more time with you before..." he whispers to her.

She relaxes a bit. He told her she owed him nothing during their time apart. "You drive a hard bargain, Stefan."

"I love you too," he smiles and kisses her temple.

It wasn't that he was playing hard to get; he just wanted to make as sure as possible he was as okay as possible. The last time they had been together was the last time he had been with anyone and that felt like a lifetime ago. So much damage and pain and heartbreak in-between. Adding to that was out of the question. So he waited to develop more self-control or self-assurance or just some type of certainty that they were doing the right thing. He couldn't afford to waste more of Elena's life with his foolishness.  
-

They hiked the waterfall again. He made her laugh so hard when he told her about the time he spent two weeks in a nudist colony. "Sometimes what is seen cannot be unseen." She made him laugh when she (fairly astutely) mocked his attitude at said nudist colony.

When they climbed to the top, he pulled her along, although she was much stronger (in all ways) than she was the last time they were there. Catching her breath while looking at the lovely sunset spread out before them, she hadn't yet noticed the surprise awaiting her. When she turned to face Stefan, she found him standing next to an elaborate picnic-a lovely tartan throw with fruits and pasta and wine.

Stefan had the good nature to be embarrassed at his own efforts. Not able to meet Elena's eyes, he looked at the ground and shifting from one leg to the other, hands behind his back.

"Stefan, what is this?"

"I wanted to create a new future memory." He looks up at her as she begins to walk over to him. "I think we need more of those."

She reached him and put her hands on his face. He saw the richness of color in her eyes. Trying to find her voice, "That's so lame." She says in a hoarse whisper of voice.

He smiles at her. "Totally."

He leans toward her like he wants to kiss her but isn't sure if he should. She giggles because it's so Stefan. Then she reaches up and kisses him. When she parts, he kisses her again.

"Shall we sit?"

Elena gives him the biggest smile and nods.

Night falls and under the cover of stars and the candles Stefan lit around them (he came prepared), they continue to laugh and enjoy each other.

Lying against Stefan, her hands intertwined with his, Elena felt safer than she had in a long time. "Stefan, this is a hell of a future memory. I'm so glad we made it back here. I'm-I'm so grateful that we just made it back. For awhile there, I thought we were lost."

"I know. And I'm so sorry. I know that doesn't change anything and I know it-"

She turns in his arms and places her hand over his mouth. "I wasn't telling you that for you to feel bad Stefan. You and me, we're working this out. I just...I just wanted you to know how much it means to me that we're here. Now."

He takes her hand and kisses it. "Me too." The look he gives her betrays the discipline he had been trying to maintain since they got back together.

Elena makes the decision for them. She pulls away from Stefan's embrace and stands in front of him. Backing away from him just slightly she stares at him and begins to unbutton her cardigan, sliding it off her shoulders. Next she starts to take off her camisole and as she begins to pull it over her head, Stefan stops her.

"Elena-I...I can't. We can't," he says with sorrow in his voice.

Her frustration gets the better of her. "Why not, Stefan? I don't understand why you don't want to be with me."

"It's not you. I...I don't trust myself."

Elena sighs and closes her eyes trying to get ahold of her emotions and her hormones. Part of her wondered if she just continued to strip, would he change his mind.

No, no...she knew he had to want it for himself.

"Well, how about this-what if we just...touched. Just feel? Would that be okay?"

Stefan looked up at her with a question in his eyes. "What do you mean?"

"Just feel. What if we just felt? And if it's too much or too close we stop."

He considered her request and thought it was a good first start. "Okay. How do we do this?"

Without uttering a word, Elena takes her index finger to Stefan's palm and slides it up and down his arm. "Just like this. Just a touch."

Her index finger moved from his arm to the palm of his hand and from there to his elbow to his shoulder. She brought both hands to his shoulder blades and lightly rested them there.

"Is this okay," she whispered.

Stefan could only nod his eyes closed and his sensitivity heightened. She continues to lighly graze his body, causing his breathing to get heavy as he awaits her next touch. Her last touch is to his hair and his temples with her mouth.

"Okay?"

He nods. "Let's get more comfortable, okay?" And with that she strips off her camisole. Stefan sits and watches her undress, unable to speak. She extends her hand to him and he takes it standing and pulling her back into his embrace.

He reaches to take off his hoodie when she stops him. "Let me." His breath catches at the look she gives him. Slowly she pulls it and the shirt underneath over his head. Once the garments hit the ground, she slowly moves her hands from his hair to the sides of his face and neck to his chest. She had imagined being with Stefan like this again so many times; she hadn't forgotten how strong he felt at her touch or how much he trembled as she caressed his chest. He reached around her and unfastened her bra and slowly let the straps fall down her shoulders and eventually off of her completely.

"So beautiful," he whispered to her. They just stared at each other. Bodies against each other. Breath heavy between both of them. Finally, Stefan just rested his forehead against hers.

"'Lena, are you sure about this?"

She simply kissed him in response. And pushed him against the tree nearest them. Things went from powerfully slow to hyper speed. She unfastened his jeans and he pulled down her leggings, twirling her around so her back would be against the tree. They kissed so fiercely their mouths would be bruised; her hands tangled in his hair as his picked her up to move against him.

Their coupling continued for hours. They'd finish and rest for awhile and then, as if both felt it at the same time, the siren call would sound and they would start over again. Every time they made contact it made them both nearly come apart. There were tears and moans and groans and yells. The noises of their bodies coming together mixed with the sweat and tears was surreal to Stefan. As she left her space on top of him riding him so hard she trembled, she slid to his member and began to kiss and take him into her mouth. He arched his back and his hips toward her touch.

"Elena, I'm gonna...I'm...I'm gonna..."

She moved from him and back on top sliding him inside her again and holding to his chest for leverage. He gripped her hips and ground his fingers in her hips ensuring that she wouldn't move.

She moved hard and fast and strong against him. He gritted his teeth and grunted as he met her strokes with his own. And then it was upon them. And she fell to his chest letting the smaller aftershocks continue to shake her and make her explode.

They lie on the picnic cloth falling asleep in each other's embrace. Naked but intertwined from limb to limb, they swore to each other that they wouldn't let go. Elena made him promise that he wouldn't go on anymore suicide missions unless she was going with him. He made her promise she wouldn't throw herself in the line of fire without bringing him with her.

"Sorry I ruined the first half of your senior year," he told her one night they lie on her bed freshly showered, totally relaxed, and resting in the dark.

Elena sighs."It was certainly unforgettable. Not many girls can say they nearly died for love," she replied with a light tone. She wasn't gonna let his guilt overwhelm him-not if she could help it.

"I wish I could-."

"What? Do it over again? Stefan," she says as she turns to face him, "Would you do anything different? Your brother's life was in danger and being in Klaus's service was the only answer. [whispers] Becoming a ripper again was the only answer."

He stares at her. "I-you're right. I wouldn't do anything different. But If I had figured out how to integrate all those parts of me years ago, I might have managed not to lose myself...or you in the process."

She runs her fingers through his hair and moves to place her palm on his chest to feel his heart. "Don't do this. I loved you through it all. Couldn't help it. You even tried to break my heart and I still loved you. I didn't really like you at the time but you never lost me. "

The side of his mouth quirked up into a small smile as he reaches for her hand tugging it toward him. "I'm still sorry. Let me be sorry."

"Okay. I accept your apology. And I accept you. All of you." She kisses his shoulder and he squeezes her hand. She moves to his neck alternating between licking and kissing his sensitive spots. She moves to his chin and then to his cheek with kisses that make him quietly groan in appreciation. When she captures his mouth, the kisses start short but quickly turn deep and slow and steamy.

Elena loves many things about being with Stefan but one of her favorites is kissing him. It's at once so loving that it makes her heart want to jump out of her chest and also so fucking lustful that she feels constantly on edge of coming apart.

She's been kissed well by others. Some kisses might have even made her forget her first name they were so filled with passion but the way Stefan kissed her-the mix of love and lust and reverence and adoration that he imbued to her through the way their lips met-was unlike anything she had experienced.

Maneuvering her hand between them and untying the string that tightened his sweatpants and pushing them off his body, finding new ways to entice him became her mission. His eyes closed as the effects of her touch emerged. "I want more of you, Stefan."

"I love you, 'Lena. I love you."

She had once told him during those dark days when he actively tried to push her away with his words while his eyes and his body told her otherwise, that she felt everything between them. That she felt how much he wanted her; how much he loved her. She felt his jealousy and his desire and his sorrow and his guilt and his shame.

Now that he was hers again, she wanted him to feel what she felt-in every way she could.


End file.
